Okay, let me start this one with a discussion I had with a lady friend recently—a discussion about whether men really know what they want or not (in terms of finding a partner). My position on this was: men, we know what we want… we do; but we just don’t know what what we want costs, and that’s always the beginning of most of our relationship and marriage issues. This applies even to the women though. Please allow me to expatiate what I mean by ‘we just don’t know what what we want costs.’ Every man—no matter how smart or dumb he his—has and knows what he wants in the person he wants to be with; and I know every woman do too. But then, we just all want things that have inverse relationship with each another; and by inverse relationship, I mean as one goes up the other will just have to go down.
For the first instance, let’s do the women first. A woman who wants to be with a man who can afford almost everything that’ll make her feel better than or at least up to her peers, and yet wants the man to be the kind who pays attention to every little thing about her and give her all the time in the world to make her feel loved and cared for. You see the difficulty in that? You may think it’s not that difficult, but wait till you finally understand why too much disgusting things happen in the relationships and marriages of most of the well-to-do people, which has on top of the list zero or inadequate attention given to things about the other party or the other party themself, and why broke people’s relationships and marriages have to face too much threats too, which has on top of it the inability to make things happen or available.
For the second instance, men, they can so much like to wish for negating things in women too. Imagine a man full of dreams and aspirations, and he wants to have a woman that’ll fit just fine in his dreamed future; a woman with no esteem deficiency and inferiority complexes, a woman who is capable of pushing him towards his dreams, the though-not-perfect-but-the-best woman; does that not sound hard to find already? But to make it harder, the man would go ahead still wanting the woman who has all these features to be a woman who is romantic, caring, down to earth and has time for everything, does this not mean he doesn’t understand what what he wants costs? Like seriously, how is a woman going to have zero esteem issues, zero inferiority complexes, the synergy to stand on her own, the good understanding of her person and how to protect it so she doesn’t lose it to anyone, and all other qualities every smart man in the world wants in a woman, and yet such woman wouldn’t be mostly shallow (emotionally) and very busy? Maybe I don’t understand what “romantic”, “caring”, “attentive” and “responsive” mean generally; but according to my own understanding of these terms, I see them difficult for the independent and not needy nor demanding woman to still be the woman who is not always all over herself or too occupied to have time for the little things that matter. Hence, needy and independence become the materials to carefully juxtapose before a man settles for one. Don’t want an independent woman and be expecting to get the packages/features of a needy woman from her, the relationship between these is inverse—one side reduces as one side increases.
To (unintentionally) demean the struggle of the man, people are always thinking women are the only ones who will always have to go through too much to choose the status of the men they want to be with, but then, it is an every-gender thing; the men too will have to go through even more stress having to decide the status of their women. I have to tell this, personally, I believe vehemently that a person can only have one of two kinds of partners to be with: the one who needs them and the one who wants them. If it’s the former, it would most likely mean the person is somewhat weak, needy, dependent (mostly psychologically or/and materially), and not that strong to be on their own; most relationships and marriages involving people of this kind last longer—especially when the needing is mutual. If it’s the latter, it would only mean the person is strong, independent, barely needs a hand in anything, and most definitely a careerist; most relationships and marriages involving these kinds of people can only last if the couple get used to the fact that the other party expects nothing much from them. They are in most cases successful though, and somewhat contented with their part-time happiness because they have other areas where their emotional needs are met when they finally get emotional. Now, the question is: how can one be sure which of the former and the latter to choose over the other? Should a person go for the partner who needs them so much they cannot do without them, or go for the one who doesn’t need them that much? In fact, this happens to be a phenomenon every relationship and marriage has to go through; but unfortunately, not many people are aware of this. We all still go about wanting the qualities of a needy person and those of an independent person together in the person we want to be with; which makes it seem as though we—the men especially—don’t know what we want in the person we want to be with. The truth is: some of what we want will surely cost some other parts of what we want; we can’t have the two kinds of people together—the needy and the independent; one can only have one.